My story with mathematics dates back to when I was in secondary school. I came across “Principia Mathematica” by Issac Newton and got entranced by the idea of it. My mind started to wonder, “What is in this book? Why is this such a big deal?” For me, the book held semblance to something holy but akin to that of a cult, secret, mysterious and enchanting. Born and raised in Pakistan, the educational focus on
science and mathematics was at a very introductory level. This book was a holy grail of scientific purity, and that, to me, was the fascination it held! Although the Physics in the book was very interesting and that there was a lot of foundational work on mechanics
and optics in it which made me want to learn more, but I was instantly drawn to calculus and his philosophy. Alas for the lack of educational resources, I could not quench my desire to learn more about them back then. There was neither a mentor nor print media to help with it.
This desire was rekindled again when I was almost done with high school. That was the time when I had to decide upon my future direction. Studying two years of pre-engineering (the only option I had other than medicine) did not making me think of the future brightly, but with foreboding. I had no guidance in deciding what to choose for my career. Society (teachers/parents/friends) and pressure around me enforced only two deterministic options: engineering and medicine. Other than that, it was said that there was no future or dignity. Anything apart from those was considered utterly useless and I was told that if I were not accepted in engineering/medicine schools, I
would be homeless, begging on the streets. Those words put me in perpetual gloom. I felt a gripping guilt with each step, that I my lack of desire to pursue either of the two careers meant that I wanted to be a homeless beggar. That I was doomed. Considering all that viable options for me, what looked more interesting to me was computer science. That was not easy either. I got rejected from every single college I applied to. I was told to join the army on daily basis with the implication that I am not smart enough to have a future of my choice, so military was my only remaining option. (For context no one knew or tried to understand that I might have any disability).
I finally got accepted in computer science program at a local University. During the time of school and almost midway through my degree, while I was not finding myself comfortable enough with software development etc, I enrolled in a couple of pure mathematics courses. One of them was graph theory and I audited a game theory course. That is when I knew what I was looking for. For me, that was the turning point. I dedicated my time to learning about mathematics by myself through books and online courses. I wanted to study mathematics as a second major at that time. But I was expected to complete my degree on time. And any extra time that I might have wanted to spend to acquire an additional major or even a minor by studying additional mathematics courses was taken as a rebellion and was net with tremendous opposition at home. I was not allowed to do so. In order to do whatever I could to spend an extra semester in the university, I decided to fail one of my courses , buying myself six months to study some maths courses. It was not taken pleasantly. I was declared a disappointment to the family by not graduating on time. For most of my academic life, I had faced these expectations of what the society and family demanded of me. Even now, when I am pursuing mathematics, I feel after conversations with family that what I am doing is not rightfully what I want to pursue for myself, but because they can brag about me before relatives and social circles. These cultural expectations are more torturous if you are coming from such a close knit, religiously fierce, dependent and conservative society. Toiling day after day and facing with questions about why I am not finished with studies and attempting to explain why I am struggling is like talking to a brick wall from which every thing bounces back without impact. Religion and cultural brainwashes them into submitting to conventions and forcing them to forbid thinking out of the box and to see, accept and work towards the root of problems. This eventually as led me to leave religion for good because it was stripping me of my individuality, identity and passions.
I got accepted in Charles University. I am studying theoretical computer science, covering up for the losses. Here in Prague, I am finding myself slowly healing from the life of traumas; slowly finding myself again. Being diagnosed with dyslexia and ADHD in late twenties is something to deal with in itself.
There are still a lot of stigmas attached to mental health when it comes to academics. People expect to finish their degree on time even after mentioning mental health, there are not many scholarships for such people. When persons with disabilities don’t have the mental capacity to do work as the traditional timeline requires, how would they
study efficiently. At the same time, how they are supposed to follow time constraints set by scholarships. Then there are monetary issues in academia regarding mental health. If someone is studying with mental health problems and they are taking fewer courses and they are still paying charges for the normal duration, that’s just completely noneconomical for them as they would have more expenses than neurotypical students, like include cost of therapies and medications. So in a lot of cases institutions are profiting off of such people when they are not getting any compensation. Besides, some teachers are also quite pedantic about the formalities of mathematics education which I think mostly stem from how institutions are running. Most of professional maths world seems like if you don’t follow certain rules and regulations they are just going to reject you because you are out of the norm.
As a person on spectrum with learning disabilities, I wish things could be different. I wish for a world where passions of individuals could be taken into consideration and they’re encouraged and coached at their pace. With the help of early intervention, therapy and IEP, they should progress in a way they feel more accepted. The curriculum, adapted to their need, and guidance provided can help them thrive. Their
individual way of approaching problems can be appreciated and polished. It is a basic right of individuals to have access to education of their choice. Mathematics has its challenges, and having learning disabilities should not come in the way of a person
that works hard with passion and poise. I am letting my opinions be heard that it might help me and future generations of people on spectrum.
Finding about the my diagnosis of dyslexia has been a strange mixture of soothing and perplexing. Soothing in ways that I am relived that at different times when I had to struggle through my academics and other things was not my fault. I am rather thinking of slowly giving myself credit for those struggles, as I slowly digest this revelation. And perplexing in determining how to overcome this and the lost time; if I would be able to overcome it; and mostly importantly, how to continue mathematics with it. I am trying and reaching out to people for their opinions on what to do, i.e. either to continue
mathematics or to leave it. I know what my decision would be in it, but still I have gotten a couple of suggestions to not continue. Despite that, I don’t find myself deviating from mathematics because any scenario of its absence would be a hard blow for me. That is because even though it brings frustration and struggle, at the same time it helps me get out of it because understanding something or proving something is nothing less than meditation when it is done. In a more coarse and non exaggerating way: I am a junkie for it. All in all, now I am thinking of ways I can overcome this with continuation of mathematics.